Intro

Me:  Is it your desire for me to lose weight?

God: Yes, because it is important to you.  I love you the same no matter how much you weigh.

Wow!  I'm taken back for a split second.

I've been waiting to here that my whole life.  I've been waiting for Mom someone to tell me that I'm loved, adored, ENOUGH regardless of the size of my capri's.  And now I'm hearing it from the Creator of the Universe.

 But will that be enough?

Really!  I'm sure you are thinking "what??? How can that not be enough?"

It's sad, I know.

But I've spent my whole adult life trying to prove it (unconsciously)  that my weight does not equate to my worth.  That the number on the scale doesn't equate to love.

I just want to be loved unconditionally.  Is that too much to ask?

The Truth Is...

I have been, well, as much as you can be my another human being.

But I'm still trying to prove it.  and not doing it very well.  Instead I'm just getting fatter and hating myself more and more.

Can I embrace God's unconditional love for me?  Now that He has spoken to me about my weight, can I let it go?  Can I lose it?

That is my journey.  The journey I begin today.  The one year journey....back to me.

A Leap of Faith: Literally

Today I am cleaning out my room...I mean, REALLY cleaning out my room.  I was praying a few weeks ago and I sensed God leading me to give away the clothes I had worn in the fall and winter of 2012.

God, that is REALLY SCARY.

But after continued prayer and discussion with my therapist, I became convinced that this was His direction.  Today, I am making that direction my reality.

In a worship-filled, house-cleaning activity, I am putting sweaters, shirts, dresses, and pants in storage bins.  They will go to consignment and I will save the check for new fall and winter clothes for 2013.

Because He says:  "You will not be able to wear those clothes in 2013".

Today is my first leap of faith since my Faith Revelation.

And I as type, The Voice of Truth, comes on the Ipod.  Coincidence?

I think not.

Psalm 37:1-6

Conditional promises - 1.  Trust in the Lord AND do good.  (be righteous - moral)  We are no longer slaves to sin.  We can choose to do right.  When we do, the condition of this promise is met and we can look to the promise.  We will dwell in the land and we will be fed.  2.  Delight thyself in the Lord.  (take great pleasure in).  We must have a loving relationship with God that goes beyond duty - loving Father that is concerned about our total well-being.  3.  Commit thy way to the Lord - to place in trust, custody, to entrust.  Doing it God's way, not our way. 

A Faith Journey

I love it when God wakes me up in the mornings with insight into our lives together.  and. I hate it when God wakes me up in the mornings with insight into our lives together..

3:42 a.m. is awful early to hear any voice - even if it's God's voice.

None the less, today I was awakened to an old, and I mean, old, song:

Prayer is the key to heaven, but faith unlocks the door.  Words are so easily spoken, but prayer without faith is like a boat without an ore.

I used to sing it with my cousin when my feet wouldn't even touch the floor from the piano bench. And, needless to say, that's been a LONG time.

I knew this awakening was for more than a walk down memory lane, so I do what I do best and started googling the word faith.

Faith, prayer, trust....three, such simple, but at the same time, such complicated words. 

Here's what God was showing me this day.....I have trust in Him only to the level that I have faith in Him.

Ouch!

I love the way that God knows us so intricately.

On August 8, 2011, God quietly instructed me to memorize James 1.  I played at it, but never really made any big attempt at it.

Today, I look at it and see that it's primary lesson is on faith.

How much time have I wasted becoming who God wants me to be because of my procrastination.

How much time....

The Book

If you know much about me, at all, you know that I LOVE the book, Celebration of Discipline, by Richard Foster.

Well, the book I'm reading now and having been talking about over the last few posts is going to rank right up there with Celebration of Discipline for me.  I have a feeling God brought this to me, at this time, to change my life regarding the way I see my body, the way I see food, and how I choose to live in this and many other areas as well.

Proverbs 24:16: For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity." 

Things...

I've never been a person that enjoyed reading the Bible. I know that sounds sacrilegious in someway, but I don't mean it like that.

I like learning about Jesus. I just like doing that through books. I know a lot of Bible stories, and I know a lot of scripture; maybe I'm just a little more ADD than I realized.

However today, I felt led (once again). This time I felt led to read Job. That seemed appropriate and I was stuck on an airplane anyway, so I thought I would give it a shot.

Wow!

God showed me two things while I was reading, but first a little "Reader's Digest" background of Job:

Job was faithful.

Satan says: "of course, he's faithful. He's healthy; he's wealthy; he has a great family; it's easy to be faithful when your life is like Job's."

God says: "ok. You can take his wealth and his family, but don't harm him."

So Satan does.

Thing #1 that stood out:

After Satan took Job's children, servants, and animals (wealth) this is what scripture says about Job.

Job 1:20: Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and fell to the ground AND WORSHIPED.

WORSHIPED! wHaT??? I L.O.V.E. that!

Then...

If you got the text that said "We lost. I can't talk" thank you for honoring that. To be honest, I felt a little guilty. You all had been so supportive of us, and now I don't want to talk to you?

Once again to Job and even more background.

Scripture says that Job was faithful after Satan took his wealth, his servants, his animals, and his children.

Satan says: "Of course, he's faithful. He still has his health."

God says: "You can take his health, but spare his life."

Scripture says that Satan then struck Job with painful boils from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. Job's three friends heard about this and came to him.

Job 2:13 So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.

Now thing #2:

I can trust God AND grieve. I don't have to trust God OR grieve.

Of course, I know that, but in that moment, I had forgotten. I think God knew I had forgotten, so He gave me Job 2:13.

AND He, also, gave me friends that will come to me and sit with me, without speaking a word, and see me. I mean REALLY see me. and sit with me, REALLY sit with me.

Even when I say....I Can't Talk.

My Toenail Hurts

Have I ever said on this blog, or in any avenue of communication, how much I LOVE my Dad.

I'm stating RIGHT UP FRONT that this post does not diminish that love for him in ANY WAY!

When I was, hmmm, maybe fourteen, my Mom took me to the doctor with an ingrown toenail. The doctor said "it needs to come off" so Mom made the appointment. When we got home, my Dad had a different thought.

Mom/Me -" The toenail has to come off."

Dad - "No. That really hurts. If she doesn't want it to come off, she doesn't have too."

Me - "I don't want to do anything that hurts. (yay, Dad)"

Mom - "Okay, I'll cancel the appointment."

NOW, leap forward 37 years....

I laid on a massage table yesterday and could hardly stand to have my foot on the sheets because my toenail is ingrown and IT HURTS.

Every time I get a pedicure, the sweet pedicure person has to dig out my toenail while I wince and grab whoever is sitting in the chair next to me.

Lesson - have your toenail removed when the doctor says.

True Lesson - doing what's best for you sometimes hurts, but it will hurt a lot less in the long run.

************

God has told me for some time now to block out one hour of prayer time a day. Have I done it? No, because it "hurts" my sleep time, my Facebook time, my Words with Friends time. The list could go on and on.

I have had the desire to try to do a Triathlon for YEARS, but I won't even get up to walk on the treadmill. Why? Because it hurts!

*************

I picked up an old book today, Prayerwalking, and found these lines interesting...

Oh, that d word: discipline. I've never liked it personally. We have met on occasions - with diets, short walks on exercise programs, and a prayer journal attempt or two. But life interfered with our acquaintance, and routines always fell by the wayside. Discipline simply stifles my spontaneity. Why if I were committed to various routines of discipline, I couldn't visit a friend or take my daughter shopping or watch the ducks flying the wrong way.

Just two years ago, I bit my fingernails to their nubs (oh by the way, I was biting my nails, as I read the book) my weight was taxing my back and my knees were giving way as I walked down stairs. I knew what I needed. I needed to exercise to get my strength back again. I also needed to pray - at length.

So she prayerwalks.

I like it, conceptually, of course.

For some reason, I bet the author's Dad didn't make her have her ingrown toenail removed either.

Test #2

I'm thinking about making this blog private, with only the certain people having access to it. It seems like I'm going to be processing some things in this season that I'm not sure I'm ready for the "internet world" to have out there - even if no one reads it.

So, here's my question. Who is reading this that got the email from me yesterday? Is anyone reading this that DIDN'T get the email from me yesterday?

It's Time For The Test!

There is a scripture that I've never liked much. It says: A double sided man is unstable in all his ways.

Another version says: Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

I don't like to think of myself that way but here's the truth.....

I AM THAT WAY!

The good news is that it is not intentional or even conscious. But when I read back over this blog and look back over the years, it is definitely truth.

I believe God is saying to me, during this Lenten season:

Okay, Beth, this is it. This is where the rubber meets the road. I've allowed you to dance around this long enough. It's time, and it's a test.....a test you're ready for, a test I've prepared you for, but ultimately, it's YOUR test.

So here goes:

Lent is 40 days. God wants me to do something bigger. He wants 40 weeks. Forty weeks starting today will take me to December 1, 2012. If I lose the weight I'm supposed to in these 40 weeks, then I'm going to Uganda. If not, God won't allow it. Simple?

Simple.

He has a plan for me, but it's mine to chose if I allow it to manifest in my life.

No more "short term rules".

We're talking life change.

and we're talking NOW.

There is spiritual work, there is emotional work, and there is physical work to be done.

But this is it. My time has arrived. It's time for me to take charge of me. It's time to dig deep, really really DEEP. It's all come down to this. My training, my spiritual growth, my wisdom, my willingness to be obedient. It's time to take.the.test.

I NEVER say this to a client (well, almost never) but I have to admit, I do think it...if you will just do what I say, you will get better.

God is such a funny God......He's says to me......if you will just do what I say, you will get better.

I get it. I really do, and it's time!

Day: God SO Knows What He Is Doing

If I had kept going, and completed the 40 days, I would have finished two days ago. I would have had a five day "break" from my "break" from food, and then there would have been Ash Wednesday and I would have made a new commitment!

But instead I ate Doritos, got sick, quit, and have been MISERABLE ever since.

So today, I've been thinking about Lent and excited about a new 40-day potential to continue this, hmmmm, rebirth, so to speak.

Just reading over my blog made me sad. I wrote on Day 7 (January 15, 2012) that God has a plan for my life and that I give too much power to food AND guess what? THAT HASN'T CHANGED!

Here is what I know has happened since I stopped juicing...

1. I'm awake at 3:29 a.m. writing a post.
2. I've had acid reflux almost daily.
3. I've gained some weight back.
4. I'm spiritually disconnected.

I'm sure there are more. I only remember them when they are happening TO me.

SOOOO.....I'm back to juicing. I'm clear that IT.IS.THE.DOORWAY for me to let go of food and to let God have His way in my life.

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Day WHO KNOWS?

Okay, it's really Day 30. Days 27, 28 and 29 have not gone so well and the last two have been a blur.

I wrote about the Dorito fiasco on Day 27.

Days 28 and 29 I have just been plain SICK! Headache, coughing, sneezing, chills, running nose kind of sick. Miserable kind of sick!

I need to make it 10 more days, but I don't know if I can do it. But, as I type this, it even seems silly to me. Of course, I can do it. I'm just tired. I'm just sick. and my defenses are down because of those two things.

So here's to Day 30 and finishing the last 1o strong.

Day 27 - Uh-Oh

I did it. I fell off the wagon and I fell off the wagon for....DoRiTos????

Obviously, it wasn't about the Dorito. If it had been about the food, I would have chosen Mexican or Lasagna or Pizza, but I, DEFINITELY, would not have chosen Doritos.

However, I'm stressed, I'm tired....and, therefore, I ate! I'm not going to say "that's what I do" because that would mean that I am defeated, that I don't have a chance to change. I know I do. But in the Doritos moment, I had forgotten.

And guess what? This morning, I woke up SICK!

I'm grateful that God uses my S.T.U.P.I.D. decisions to teach me, as well, as when I act all holy and righteous. I have NO DOUBT that my stopped upt-ness and stomach ache this morning can both be directly be attributed to Frito-Lay and my inability to say "NO" in the moment.

It looks like I will be adding a day to my juice fast and remembering this...

Day 26...Re-Motivated!

I have been MISERABLE the last two days. Tonight I was counting my "days left" and I realized I only have 14 days. That's two weeks! That in itself rejuvenates me!

I can do TWO weeks.

A.N.D. I'm going to re-commit to doing EXACTLY what I'm hearing God say consistently for he next 14 days (I'm not really good at consistency)...reading Psalms, reading Proverbs, finish memorizing James 1.

A.N.D. I've found six new recipes and I'm shopping tomorrow.

I CAN DO THIS!

Day 24...Expectations are from the DEVIL!

I don't know what I was expecting when I started this fast...

Okay, that's a lie. The truth is that I didn't know that I was expecting what I was expecting when I started this fast...until yesterday.

It's funny how Satan works. He takes something so pure and begins to twist it and turn it until I've forgotten what the point was in the first place. AND THEN he ties it up with a pretty red bow (or a really ugly black bow depending on what I allow him to do to me) so that I'm even more confused (or ashamed). Whatever it takes to get me off track.

Getting me "off track" has been easy to do the last few days.

AND THEN IT HIT ME!

Expectations.

My expectations.

It doesn't matter if they are C R A Z Y expectations. They're still my little Satan-induced expectations and wreak havoc within me.

Lose 40 lbs. in 40 days.

Win the "Biggest Loser" contest we are having at church.

Do this...Do that...Do this...Do that...

AND THEN when I've only lost 15 lbs. in 21 days AND WHEN I realize I'm not going to win the "Biggest Loser" contest, then Satan has a F.I.E.L.D. D.A.Y. in my head!

That was until yesterday when God offered to tag-team me and I didn't resist His hand.

As I was looking for new juicing recipes (because I'm REALLY getting bored with the old ones), I read a post from a juicer much more skilled than me and she said: "You should lose about 10 lbs. the first week of your juice fast. After that you will lose about 1/2 to 1 lb. a day."

Being the ex-accountant that I am, the math wasn't that difficult. 10 lbs. in week one, 3 lbs. in week two, and 3 lbs. in week three. That would be 16 lbs. I've lost 15 lbs. so I'm not "doing this wrong" (yes, I know, there is therapy work in that somewhere).

and the funny thing is....I didn't do this for the weight loss anyway, but I've become SO focused on the number that I forgot the cause.

The facts are:

(1) Weight loss is a stronghold and a doorway where Satan can easily enter.

(2) Satan uses expectations to take me off the path that God has me on.

(3) I'm not doing what God told me to do.

(4) I'm more clear today (again) than I've been and

(5) I need to have Ephesian 6:11-12 tattooed on my forehead.

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Day 23.1 -God Knows What We Need

I woke up this morning with a note from my friends in Uganda. They took the boys shopping for school supplies and shoes. The boys started to school this week. They found a house!

This in itself rejuvenates me to continue this fast. But I love the way God works in so many DIFFERENT ways. Let me explain...

I have a to do a financial statement for some business stuff Gary needs. I couldn't find the old one so I thought I would "search" the word "financial" on my laptop.

Well, guess what comes up????? A journal that I kept while in a Spiritual Formation class a year ago.

So for fun, I clicked, and well, guess what comes up????? A journal entry on fasting.

And, guess what it says....

Foster Discussion: Many of Foster’s statements resonated with me today. (1) Biblical fasting always centers on spiritual purposes (Foster, 49). (2) Do not use freedom as an opportunity for the flesh (Foster, 51). (3) Fasting must forever center on God. It must be God-initiated and God-ordained (Foster, 54). (4) Willpower will never succeed in dealing with the deeply ingrained habits of sin. The moment we feel we can succeed and attain victory over sin by the strength of our will alone is the moment we are worshiping the will (Foster, 5). In day two of this fast, I almost fell into the trap of worshipping the will. These statements are critical for me to hang on to during this process.

That was written on 4/19/2011. God knew I would need it on 1/31/2012.

Physically - tired
Emotionally - happy
Spiritually - loved

It's gonna be a much better day!

Day 22 - Oh My Precious Child

I'm seeing a pattern here. Sunday's are HARD! It's TOTALLY emotional/relational. If I look back over the posts on Sunday, it's plan and simple: I WANT TO EAT ON SUNDAY'S BECAUSE IT IS FUN! For us therapy people, I am SO in my inner-child on Sunday's.

This week it oozed into Monday. I felt just a tad angry, definitely frustrated that I can't have my way, and VERY tired!

Then in my men's group today, it hit me. They do a check - in at the beginning of group where they share in a word or two how they are feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I did my own silent check-in and here is where the ah-ha came in:

physically - tired (no new news);
emotionally - frustrated, sad;
spiritually - ummm....not sure; haven't thought about it; obviously disconnected;

and what I know about me is - When I am disconnected spiritually, my child, who likes to have fun, takes OVER!

I'm too tired to do anything about it tonight. It's 7:35 p.m. and I'm GOING TO BED! But I will pray before I close my eyes, and I will wake up tomorrow (hopefully) with a renewal to embrace this spiritual journey!

Day 20....Half Way There

I usually post this at night after I have completed another day of liquids, but since this is Day 20, it feels like a milestone so I thought I would write about it now.

Yesterday, and this morning, have been hard. I think I am now beginning to feel real hunger. Obviously, not the kind that "the boys" have felt living on the streets, but it's more than "head hunger" which is what I felt the first 18 days.

This would be a time that, in the past, I would quit. I would rationalize to myself that I've already done well, the sponsors would probably still give me the money, etc. etc. etc. My head went there this morning.

But I know that God wants me to learn self-control through this. I can hear Him clearly saying.....just do it because I said. NO OTHER REASON!

So here I go, Day 20....The countdown has begun!

Day, ummm, 17 ?

I'm getting confused about how many days I've done this.

I think that's, probably, a good thing. Either I'm nutrient deprived (which I'm not) or this isn't such the big deal that I thought it would be.

Don't get me wrong. I get that "the lack of big deal" is totally God. People don't just "not eat" for 17 days and forget. But I'm forgetting.

Another thing I'm becoming aware of....I go to bed hungry at night yet wake up full in the mornings.

I'm not scientifically savy enough to understand this (if it is science at all) but I'm amazed each morning when I open my eyes and expect to be S.T.A.R.V.I.N.G that I'm not. That just tells me that when this 40 days is over, I can go to bed less than stuffed and know that God is providing for me.

It gives a "hands-on" meaning to "His mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23)."

Day 15

I'm kinda scared to say this out loud, but this is not that hard. Shhhh!

Not much to say today, except I'm on track after 15 days. I don't think I've ever stuck to anything for 15 day.

It must be G.O.D.

Day 14.....Realizations, 1-2-3

ONE...Sunday's are the hardest day for me to resist food. It is my favorite day of the week and the day I have the most fun with the hubby! I have realized through this fast, unfortunately, that the hubby and I connect A.L.O.T. with food. So needless to say, on the "NFL Championship Game" Sunday, food is a big topic at the Leftwich house.

I resisted well. It's funny when you decide "it's just not an option", the hunger isn't nearly as bad. So for me today, it just wasn't an option.

TWO...The brain works in strange ways. I've lost 11 lbs. and I'm disappointed. The strange thing is I'm disappointed because I lost 9 lbs. in week one and 2 lbs. in week two. Okay, hang with me on this one. If I had lost 5 lbs. in week one and 4 lbs. in week two, I wouldn't be disappointed. But 9 and 2????? after I chewed NOTHING and drank LITTLE! N.O.T. H.A.P.P.Y.

THREE...Hubby was recanting ALL the reasons, I shouldn't be fasting right now: We're keeping the grand kids, the Superbowl (see I told you we connect with food), etc. But I realized today that this is a great time for God to call me to fast.

I eat for comfort, and it would be easy to eat my tiredness away while helping with the kids.

I eat for connection and having the three little ones here for several weeks would, definitely, be a reason to have fun with food.

I eat for celebration. Even without the Titans in the Super Bowl, I'm sure I could find a reason to use food to celebrate some touchdown or field goal regardless of which team scores.

So, as usual, God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

And because of that I feel comforted (by the Great Comforter), connected (to the Great Healer), and therefore I celebrate (all without food).