Day 23.1 -God Knows What We Need

I woke up this morning with a note from my friends in Uganda. They took the boys shopping for school supplies and shoes. The boys started to school this week. They found a house!

This in itself rejuvenates me to continue this fast. But I love the way God works in so many DIFFERENT ways. Let me explain...

I have a to do a financial statement for some business stuff Gary needs. I couldn't find the old one so I thought I would "search" the word "financial" on my laptop.

Well, guess what comes up????? A journal that I kept while in a Spiritual Formation class a year ago.

So for fun, I clicked, and well, guess what comes up????? A journal entry on fasting.

And, guess what it says....

Foster Discussion: Many of Foster’s statements resonated with me today. (1) Biblical fasting always centers on spiritual purposes (Foster, 49). (2) Do not use freedom as an opportunity for the flesh (Foster, 51). (3) Fasting must forever center on God. It must be God-initiated and God-ordained (Foster, 54). (4) Willpower will never succeed in dealing with the deeply ingrained habits of sin. The moment we feel we can succeed and attain victory over sin by the strength of our will alone is the moment we are worshiping the will (Foster, 5). In day two of this fast, I almost fell into the trap of worshipping the will. These statements are critical for me to hang on to during this process.

That was written on 4/19/2011. God knew I would need it on 1/31/2012.

Physically - tired
Emotionally - happy
Spiritually - loved

It's gonna be a much better day!

Day 22 - Oh My Precious Child

I'm seeing a pattern here. Sunday's are HARD! It's TOTALLY emotional/relational. If I look back over the posts on Sunday, it's plan and simple: I WANT TO EAT ON SUNDAY'S BECAUSE IT IS FUN! For us therapy people, I am SO in my inner-child on Sunday's.

This week it oozed into Monday. I felt just a tad angry, definitely frustrated that I can't have my way, and VERY tired!

Then in my men's group today, it hit me. They do a check - in at the beginning of group where they share in a word or two how they are feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I did my own silent check-in and here is where the ah-ha came in:

physically - tired (no new news);
emotionally - frustrated, sad;
spiritually - ummm....not sure; haven't thought about it; obviously disconnected;

and what I know about me is - When I am disconnected spiritually, my child, who likes to have fun, takes OVER!

I'm too tired to do anything about it tonight. It's 7:35 p.m. and I'm GOING TO BED! But I will pray before I close my eyes, and I will wake up tomorrow (hopefully) with a renewal to embrace this spiritual journey!

Day 20....Half Way There

I usually post this at night after I have completed another day of liquids, but since this is Day 20, it feels like a milestone so I thought I would write about it now.

Yesterday, and this morning, have been hard. I think I am now beginning to feel real hunger. Obviously, not the kind that "the boys" have felt living on the streets, but it's more than "head hunger" which is what I felt the first 18 days.

This would be a time that, in the past, I would quit. I would rationalize to myself that I've already done well, the sponsors would probably still give me the money, etc. etc. etc. My head went there this morning.

But I know that God wants me to learn self-control through this. I can hear Him clearly saying.....just do it because I said. NO OTHER REASON!

So here I go, Day 20....The countdown has begun!

Day, ummm, 17 ?

I'm getting confused about how many days I've done this.

I think that's, probably, a good thing. Either I'm nutrient deprived (which I'm not) or this isn't such the big deal that I thought it would be.

Don't get me wrong. I get that "the lack of big deal" is totally God. People don't just "not eat" for 17 days and forget. But I'm forgetting.

Another thing I'm becoming aware of....I go to bed hungry at night yet wake up full in the mornings.

I'm not scientifically savy enough to understand this (if it is science at all) but I'm amazed each morning when I open my eyes and expect to be S.T.A.R.V.I.N.G that I'm not. That just tells me that when this 40 days is over, I can go to bed less than stuffed and know that God is providing for me.

It gives a "hands-on" meaning to "His mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23)."

Day 15

I'm kinda scared to say this out loud, but this is not that hard. Shhhh!

Not much to say today, except I'm on track after 15 days. I don't think I've ever stuck to anything for 15 day.

It must be G.O.D.

Day 14.....Realizations, 1-2-3

ONE...Sunday's are the hardest day for me to resist food. It is my favorite day of the week and the day I have the most fun with the hubby! I have realized through this fast, unfortunately, that the hubby and I connect A.L.O.T. with food. So needless to say, on the "NFL Championship Game" Sunday, food is a big topic at the Leftwich house.

I resisted well. It's funny when you decide "it's just not an option", the hunger isn't nearly as bad. So for me today, it just wasn't an option.

TWO...The brain works in strange ways. I've lost 11 lbs. and I'm disappointed. The strange thing is I'm disappointed because I lost 9 lbs. in week one and 2 lbs. in week two. Okay, hang with me on this one. If I had lost 5 lbs. in week one and 4 lbs. in week two, I wouldn't be disappointed. But 9 and 2????? after I chewed NOTHING and drank LITTLE! N.O.T. H.A.P.P.Y.

THREE...Hubby was recanting ALL the reasons, I shouldn't be fasting right now: We're keeping the grand kids, the Superbowl (see I told you we connect with food), etc. But I realized today that this is a great time for God to call me to fast.

I eat for comfort, and it would be easy to eat my tiredness away while helping with the kids.

I eat for connection and having the three little ones here for several weeks would, definitely, be a reason to have fun with food.

I eat for celebration. Even without the Titans in the Super Bowl, I'm sure I could find a reason to use food to celebrate some touchdown or field goal regardless of which team scores.

So, as usual, God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

And because of that I feel comforted (by the Great Comforter), connected (to the Great Healer), and therefore I celebrate (all without food).

Day 12 - Doing The Math

I haven't blogged in a few days. To catch up in two sentences...Days 8, 9 and 10 were H.A.R.D. I was H.U.N.G.R.Y.

I'm not quiet sure whether it was true, physical hunger or still that desire to just have something to chew in my mouth. Either way, days 11 and 12 have been much easier.

After a discussion with my "partner in crime" in this endeavor, I realize MORE THAN EVER that for me, this is such a spiritual journey. I have spent so many years trying to figure this food thing out, trying to manage it, control it, manipulate it; actually, thinking that God would do his part but I had to do mine (which meant that I had to do it).

This is the FIRST time EVER that I understand the word

P O W E R LE S S N E S S

the way that, I truly believe, it was intended to be used as a follower of Christ.

While I teach this concept daily and believe it when I'm teaching it, when it came to me personally, it was a different ballgame. I now see that I felt weak or somehow irresponsible if I was "not able to handle it", make it happen, etc.

God has shown me, through this process, what it truly means to

S U R R E N D E R

and the mathematical equation isn't that tough.

God is 100% in control. I am 0% in control.

I don't have to have a plan. I don't need a plan. I don't have to figure it out. I don't have to do ANY THING!

This scripture has never resonated with me the way it has in this process:

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

I don't know why God has chosen this time, this season, to show me that kind of mercy, but He has and I'm grateful.

Day 9 - Noticing

I think I'm wanting to manipulate the process AND since I don't want to manipulate the process, I'm zoning out a little. At least that's what I think but it's hard to say since I'm zoning out.

Days 8 and 9 were H.A.R.D.

Rumor has it that Day 10 gets easier. I'm off work today so we'll see.

I know that I'm more tired than usual. The question is...Am I tired because I'm not getting as much nutrition or is it because I'm not using food when I'm tired?

I'm going to put a little more structure around my juicing to see how that works. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks.

Is a "juice snack" an oxymoron?

Beginning to play around with it a little...

Tomorrow 1/4 of the way there! I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Day 8 - Distracted...

Day 8 has been the toughest so far. I'm beginning to feel hungry. I'm tired. I want to taste food, real, stick to my teeth, need floss, kind of food.

I'm becoming too focused on what I'm going to juice and how much weight I've lost.

THAT WAS NOT THE PURPOSE OF THIS FAST.

I have felt God's prompting that tomorrow is water only!

Distracted....

Day 7 - Donald and Daffy

As I wrote earlier, Day 6 was a blur. We were B.U.S.Y. with three of the grandchildren that we are helping take care of while Amber and Nathan are in Ukraine getting grandchild #7.

(The three kiddo's - not the ducks, but the people)

Day 7 was just as much of a blur but for different reasons. The kiddo's went to Deda's after church, so we had the rest of the day to ourselves.

It was my first "down day" since I've started the fast, and what goes with down days: FOOD....sorta like birds of a feather, Donald and Daffy, peanut butter and jelly (pardon the food pun), Samson and Delilah.....well, you get the drift.

But I didn't cheat. However, I went to bed at 7:00 p.m. (I did have the thought that maybe I eat when I'm tired verses sleeping when I'm tired - brilliant, huh?)

Some things I've learned....

(1) Food only has as much power over me as I give it (and I've given it A LOT of power).
(2) If I live too far in the future, I get anxious and conning (I start to manipulate the process).
(3) God has a plan for my life that I can't EVEN begin to comprehend if I will just let it unfold.
(4) When I'm not eating, I crave healthy things like fish, salad, sushi. When I am eating, I crave unhealthy things like milkshakes, Krystals, pizza.
(5) This process is forcing me to live in the present and I'm MUCH more at peace living in the present.

I'm actually going to an exercise class tomorrow night, Devoted Fitness, and I'm excited. For the record, I DON'T get excited about exercises classes! So, thank you, Jesus, for doing in me what I cannot do for myself.

Day 6 - Was.A.Blur.

Not much more to say than that....not bad, not good, just B.U.S.Y!

Day 5 - James 1

In September, I felt like God was leading me to read James 1. After reading it, I felt this HUGE urge to memorize it.

Well, now I know WHY!

Tonight started to get a little tougher. I was somewhat dizzy at work today, especially when I would stand up. I can start to feel my stomach, as our sweet Sarah Johnson would say, "beginning to eat itself."

So a short but significant post (and one that I will have to re-read over and over for this 40 day adventure):

James 1: 1-5 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Here's to asking God for wisdom!

Day 4 - Small Victories

When I started this journey, I had no intention of defining success in tenths; however, that's all I could think of today. On one hand, it seems like such a small victory, but I've tried shorter fasts before and have never been able to finish them. So completing four days is a huge milestone.

Today was the most interesting and insightful day so far. First let me state, I have not been hungry at all; not TRULY hungry. I have wanted to crunch something with my teeth, wanted to chew and chew and chew. I've wanted texture. But, I have not been hungry.

However...today, let me state, I WANTED TO EAT.

Here's the newsflash: Being hungry and wanting to eat are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS, and today, I just wanted to eat!

It became obvious around lunch time what was going on inside of me:

1. We had watched Amber and Nathan get on a plane to go half way around the world this morning.



2. We had watched their sweet, precious kids say good bye to them as they got on said plane.


3. I had to work while Gary stayed home and tended to their sadness, their acting out, their lives.

Then it continued throughout the day:

1. It's snowing, and I DID NOT want to get stuck in Green Hills when I could be home playing with the kiddos.
2. After coming home, I wondered how I might have finagled a way to get stuck in Green Hills.

JUST KIDDING!

It was hectic but I'm excited about the extra time we get with the grand kids while Amber and Nathan are gone.

My routine is to come home, eat dinner, and hang out with Gary watching TV or something constructive like that, while I scope out Facebook, Pinterest, Southern Savers....you know, the important things in life!

Tonight was helping Layla study for a spelling test, cooking dinner, emptying the dishwasher, making snacks, picking up toys, fussing about people's teeth getting brushed, filling the dishwasher, fussing about people going to the potty, deciding which bed everyone will sleep in, and oh by the way, in the midst of that, Gary is throwing up with a stomach virus...

and HOW do people deal with these kinds of things? Why, eating of course!

Thankfully, I didn't choose that option today, but I can see how many times I have chosen it in the past without even knowing it.

In addition to not choosing food, I'm thankful that I'm one-tenth of the way through this commitment; I'm thankful that there are three little ones sleeping soundly upstairs while I type this and that a forth one will be joining us soon!

P.S. It's now 6:00 a.m. on Friday. Amber and Nathan are in Paris, France. The bad news: After sitting on the plane for three hours at the Paris airport headed to their final destination, they had to deplane due to a "security issue". The good news: they get to, actually, see Paris!

Day 3....When you Face the Naysayer's

On the food front, not much to report. Not hard, not easy.

On the sponsor front, however, a lot to report.

To digress...I was reading an article on becoming "mentally tough". One of the twenty ways to do this (and Lord knows I'm going to need all twenty before these forty days are over) was:

When you face the naysayer’s, remember the people who believed in you and spoke positive words to you.

Naysayer's may be a little strong, at this point, (at least to my face), but already I'm amazed by the people who have believed in what we're doing and are speaking positive words to me.

To date, I have 31 sponsors. 31. That equates to $1,240 toward the goal of $1,800. When we add Sara's sponsors, we're getting REALLY close to our goal!

I like the way sponsors trickle in. I needed those three new ones yesterday to help me remember why I'm doing this in the first place.

The words of support and encouragement for me, and the boys, are appreciated more than you will ever know.

So naysayers beware! Tomorrow is Day 4!

Day 2 - Thank you Whole Foods! (did I already say that ?)

Let me just say for the record....

THIS TASK IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I'M WORKING!

First of all, did I mention that there is a Whole Foods a stone's throw from my office that has a juicing bar :). I think it will become my "favorite (and only) restaurant" for the next 40 days.

Secondly, I am SO FOCUSED at work, I don't think about anything except what is going on with the client. That means food and hunger (and stomach growling) seem far, far away for those hours.

Driving home last night got a little tricky (meaning the far, far away became much, much closer). I decided I would make homemade vegetable broth for dinner. Well, nope! No ingredients for homemade vegetable broth in the Leftwich house! So it's off to the grocery tomorrow to stock pile on juicing supplies.

However....

No desire to quit.

No desire to cheat.

All in all, that's a good day for me!

The LORD does not let the righteous go hungry, but he thwarts the craving of the wicked. Proverbs 10:3

You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, so that mere earthly mortals will never again strike terror. Psalm 10:17-18

Day 1 - Thank you Whole Foods!

Day 1 is over and I made it through. Not to jinx myself, but it wasn't even that difficult. There is a Whole Foods very close to my office and I think I will be spending a great deal of time there in the next 40 days. They have an awesome Green Lemonade (kale, celery, spinach, apple, and lemon) and I had one today. For dessert, I had A Limbo (banana, orange, mango, and pineapple) with a protein powder thrown in for kicks.

The only time I felt that little "draw" toward food was when I came home and Gary had made himself spaghetti and meatballs....and bread....and ate a Whatchamacallit for dessert.

However, I resisted the smell of freshly cooking meatballs and wandered to the couch (which means I have to walk through the kitchen, I might add) to see how many sponsors had volunteered to help A N D to my surprise, there are 25! yes 25! people willing to sponsor me in this process. That's within 24 hours of posting it. Add Sara's sponsors and we have a total of 33 which equates to $1,320.

Another confirmation that God is driving ALL OF THIS!

I love how His plan is so multi-purposed. As one of my sponsors wrote in her email:

A wonderful gift for them, a healing gift for you and the gift of giving for the rest of us!

I think she said it best!

Blessings to you on Day 1!

I NEVER Thought I'd Be Saying This....

I'm doing a 40 day fast.

Yes, you read it right....I am doing a 40 day fast.

So many things have come together to make this happen, it can only be God. A N D because it's God, I can't even begin to explain all the things that have come together to make this happen.

So the basics are this. I am doing a fruit/vegetable/juice fast for 40 days. I am asking for sponsors at $1/day. The money raised will sponsor 3 young men in Uganda. This money will get them in a home, in school, and three meals a day.

I'm in love with these boys and I've never met them.

So here we go, God.

Simplicity and fasting....quiet the combo to kick off 2012.