Day 23.1 -God Knows What We Need

I woke up this morning with a note from my friends in Uganda. They took the boys shopping for school supplies and shoes. The boys started to school this week. They found a house!

This in itself rejuvenates me to continue this fast. But I love the way God works in so many DIFFERENT ways. Let me explain...

I have a to do a financial statement for some business stuff Gary needs. I couldn't find the old one so I thought I would "search" the word "financial" on my laptop.

Well, guess what comes up????? A journal that I kept while in a Spiritual Formation class a year ago.

So for fun, I clicked, and well, guess what comes up????? A journal entry on fasting.

And, guess what it says....

Foster Discussion: Many of Foster’s statements resonated with me today. (1) Biblical fasting always centers on spiritual purposes (Foster, 49). (2) Do not use freedom as an opportunity for the flesh (Foster, 51). (3) Fasting must forever center on God. It must be God-initiated and God-ordained (Foster, 54). (4) Willpower will never succeed in dealing with the deeply ingrained habits of sin. The moment we feel we can succeed and attain victory over sin by the strength of our will alone is the moment we are worshiping the will (Foster, 5). In day two of this fast, I almost fell into the trap of worshipping the will. These statements are critical for me to hang on to during this process.

That was written on 4/19/2011. God knew I would need it on 1/31/2012.

Physically - tired
Emotionally - happy
Spiritually - loved

It's gonna be a much better day!

Day 22 - Oh My Precious Child

I'm seeing a pattern here. Sunday's are HARD! It's TOTALLY emotional/relational. If I look back over the posts on Sunday, it's plan and simple: I WANT TO EAT ON SUNDAY'S BECAUSE IT IS FUN! For us therapy people, I am SO in my inner-child on Sunday's.

This week it oozed into Monday. I felt just a tad angry, definitely frustrated that I can't have my way, and VERY tired!

Then in my men's group today, it hit me. They do a check - in at the beginning of group where they share in a word or two how they are feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I did my own silent check-in and here is where the ah-ha came in:

physically - tired (no new news);
emotionally - frustrated, sad;
spiritually - ummm....not sure; haven't thought about it; obviously disconnected;

and what I know about me is - When I am disconnected spiritually, my child, who likes to have fun, takes OVER!

I'm too tired to do anything about it tonight. It's 7:35 p.m. and I'm GOING TO BED! But I will pray before I close my eyes, and I will wake up tomorrow (hopefully) with a renewal to embrace this spiritual journey!

Day 20....Half Way There

I usually post this at night after I have completed another day of liquids, but since this is Day 20, it feels like a milestone so I thought I would write about it now.

Yesterday, and this morning, have been hard. I think I am now beginning to feel real hunger. Obviously, not the kind that "the boys" have felt living on the streets, but it's more than "head hunger" which is what I felt the first 18 days.

This would be a time that, in the past, I would quit. I would rationalize to myself that I've already done well, the sponsors would probably still give me the money, etc. etc. etc. My head went there this morning.

But I know that God wants me to learn self-control through this. I can hear Him clearly saying.....just do it because I said. NO OTHER REASON!

So here I go, Day 20....The countdown has begun!

Day, ummm, 17 ?

I'm getting confused about how many days I've done this.

I think that's, probably, a good thing. Either I'm nutrient deprived (which I'm not) or this isn't such the big deal that I thought it would be.

Don't get me wrong. I get that "the lack of big deal" is totally God. People don't just "not eat" for 17 days and forget. But I'm forgetting.

Another thing I'm becoming aware of....I go to bed hungry at night yet wake up full in the mornings.

I'm not scientifically savy enough to understand this (if it is science at all) but I'm amazed each morning when I open my eyes and expect to be S.T.A.R.V.I.N.G that I'm not. That just tells me that when this 40 days is over, I can go to bed less than stuffed and know that God is providing for me.

It gives a "hands-on" meaning to "His mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23)."

Day 15

I'm kinda scared to say this out loud, but this is not that hard. Shhhh!

Not much to say today, except I'm on track after 15 days. I don't think I've ever stuck to anything for 15 day.

It must be G.O.D.

Day 14.....Realizations, 1-2-3

ONE...Sunday's are the hardest day for me to resist food. It is my favorite day of the week and the day I have the most fun with the hubby! I have realized through this fast, unfortunately, that the hubby and I connect A.L.O.T. with food. So needless to say, on the "NFL Championship Game" Sunday, food is a big topic at the Leftwich house.

I resisted well. It's funny when you decide "it's just not an option", the hunger isn't nearly as bad. So for me today, it just wasn't an option.

TWO...The brain works in strange ways. I've lost 11 lbs. and I'm disappointed. The strange thing is I'm disappointed because I lost 9 lbs. in week one and 2 lbs. in week two. Okay, hang with me on this one. If I had lost 5 lbs. in week one and 4 lbs. in week two, I wouldn't be disappointed. But 9 and 2????? after I chewed NOTHING and drank LITTLE! N.O.T. H.A.P.P.Y.

THREE...Hubby was recanting ALL the reasons, I shouldn't be fasting right now: We're keeping the grand kids, the Superbowl (see I told you we connect with food), etc. But I realized today that this is a great time for God to call me to fast.

I eat for comfort, and it would be easy to eat my tiredness away while helping with the kids.

I eat for connection and having the three little ones here for several weeks would, definitely, be a reason to have fun with food.

I eat for celebration. Even without the Titans in the Super Bowl, I'm sure I could find a reason to use food to celebrate some touchdown or field goal regardless of which team scores.

So, as usual, God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

And because of that I feel comforted (by the Great Comforter), connected (to the Great Healer), and therefore I celebrate (all without food).

Day 12 - Doing The Math

I haven't blogged in a few days. To catch up in two sentences...Days 8, 9 and 10 were H.A.R.D. I was H.U.N.G.R.Y.

I'm not quiet sure whether it was true, physical hunger or still that desire to just have something to chew in my mouth. Either way, days 11 and 12 have been much easier.

After a discussion with my "partner in crime" in this endeavor, I realize MORE THAN EVER that for me, this is such a spiritual journey. I have spent so many years trying to figure this food thing out, trying to manage it, control it, manipulate it; actually, thinking that God would do his part but I had to do mine (which meant that I had to do it).

This is the FIRST time EVER that I understand the word

P O W E R LE S S N E S S

the way that, I truly believe, it was intended to be used as a follower of Christ.

While I teach this concept daily and believe it when I'm teaching it, when it came to me personally, it was a different ballgame. I now see that I felt weak or somehow irresponsible if I was "not able to handle it", make it happen, etc.

God has shown me, through this process, what it truly means to

S U R R E N D E R

and the mathematical equation isn't that tough.

God is 100% in control. I am 0% in control.

I don't have to have a plan. I don't need a plan. I don't have to figure it out. I don't have to do ANY THING!

This scripture has never resonated with me the way it has in this process:

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

I don't know why God has chosen this time, this season, to show me that kind of mercy, but He has and I'm grateful.