Test #2

I'm thinking about making this blog private, with only the certain people having access to it. It seems like I'm going to be processing some things in this season that I'm not sure I'm ready for the "internet world" to have out there - even if no one reads it.

So, here's my question. Who is reading this that got the email from me yesterday? Is anyone reading this that DIDN'T get the email from me yesterday?

It's Time For The Test!

There is a scripture that I've never liked much. It says: A double sided man is unstable in all his ways.

Another version says: Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

I don't like to think of myself that way but here's the truth.....

I AM THAT WAY!

The good news is that it is not intentional or even conscious. But when I read back over this blog and look back over the years, it is definitely truth.

I believe God is saying to me, during this Lenten season:

Okay, Beth, this is it. This is where the rubber meets the road. I've allowed you to dance around this long enough. It's time, and it's a test.....a test you're ready for, a test I've prepared you for, but ultimately, it's YOUR test.

So here goes:

Lent is 40 days. God wants me to do something bigger. He wants 40 weeks. Forty weeks starting today will take me to December 1, 2012. If I lose the weight I'm supposed to in these 40 weeks, then I'm going to Uganda. If not, God won't allow it. Simple?

Simple.

He has a plan for me, but it's mine to chose if I allow it to manifest in my life.

No more "short term rules".

We're talking life change.

and we're talking NOW.

There is spiritual work, there is emotional work, and there is physical work to be done.

But this is it. My time has arrived. It's time for me to take charge of me. It's time to dig deep, really really DEEP. It's all come down to this. My training, my spiritual growth, my wisdom, my willingness to be obedient. It's time to take.the.test.

I NEVER say this to a client (well, almost never) but I have to admit, I do think it...if you will just do what I say, you will get better.

God is such a funny God......He's says to me......if you will just do what I say, you will get better.

I get it. I really do, and it's time!

Day: God SO Knows What He Is Doing

If I had kept going, and completed the 40 days, I would have finished two days ago. I would have had a five day "break" from my "break" from food, and then there would have been Ash Wednesday and I would have made a new commitment!

But instead I ate Doritos, got sick, quit, and have been MISERABLE ever since.

So today, I've been thinking about Lent and excited about a new 40-day potential to continue this, hmmmm, rebirth, so to speak.

Just reading over my blog made me sad. I wrote on Day 7 (January 15, 2012) that God has a plan for my life and that I give too much power to food AND guess what? THAT HASN'T CHANGED!

Here is what I know has happened since I stopped juicing...

1. I'm awake at 3:29 a.m. writing a post.
2. I've had acid reflux almost daily.
3. I've gained some weight back.
4. I'm spiritually disconnected.

I'm sure there are more. I only remember them when they are happening TO me.

SOOOO.....I'm back to juicing. I'm clear that IT.IS.THE.DOORWAY for me to let go of food and to let God have His way in my life.

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Day WHO KNOWS?

Okay, it's really Day 30. Days 27, 28 and 29 have not gone so well and the last two have been a blur.

I wrote about the Dorito fiasco on Day 27.

Days 28 and 29 I have just been plain SICK! Headache, coughing, sneezing, chills, running nose kind of sick. Miserable kind of sick!

I need to make it 10 more days, but I don't know if I can do it. But, as I type this, it even seems silly to me. Of course, I can do it. I'm just tired. I'm just sick. and my defenses are down because of those two things.

So here's to Day 30 and finishing the last 1o strong.

Day 27 - Uh-Oh

I did it. I fell off the wagon and I fell off the wagon for....DoRiTos????

Obviously, it wasn't about the Dorito. If it had been about the food, I would have chosen Mexican or Lasagna or Pizza, but I, DEFINITELY, would not have chosen Doritos.

However, I'm stressed, I'm tired....and, therefore, I ate! I'm not going to say "that's what I do" because that would mean that I am defeated, that I don't have a chance to change. I know I do. But in the Doritos moment, I had forgotten.

And guess what? This morning, I woke up SICK!

I'm grateful that God uses my S.T.U.P.I.D. decisions to teach me, as well, as when I act all holy and righteous. I have NO DOUBT that my stopped upt-ness and stomach ache this morning can both be directly be attributed to Frito-Lay and my inability to say "NO" in the moment.

It looks like I will be adding a day to my juice fast and remembering this...

Day 26...Re-Motivated!

I have been MISERABLE the last two days. Tonight I was counting my "days left" and I realized I only have 14 days. That's two weeks! That in itself rejuvenates me!

I can do TWO weeks.

A.N.D. I'm going to re-commit to doing EXACTLY what I'm hearing God say consistently for he next 14 days (I'm not really good at consistency)...reading Psalms, reading Proverbs, finish memorizing James 1.

A.N.D. I've found six new recipes and I'm shopping tomorrow.

I CAN DO THIS!

Day 24...Expectations are from the DEVIL!

I don't know what I was expecting when I started this fast...

Okay, that's a lie. The truth is that I didn't know that I was expecting what I was expecting when I started this fast...until yesterday.

It's funny how Satan works. He takes something so pure and begins to twist it and turn it until I've forgotten what the point was in the first place. AND THEN he ties it up with a pretty red bow (or a really ugly black bow depending on what I allow him to do to me) so that I'm even more confused (or ashamed). Whatever it takes to get me off track.

Getting me "off track" has been easy to do the last few days.

AND THEN IT HIT ME!

Expectations.

My expectations.

It doesn't matter if they are C R A Z Y expectations. They're still my little Satan-induced expectations and wreak havoc within me.

Lose 40 lbs. in 40 days.

Win the "Biggest Loser" contest we are having at church.

Do this...Do that...Do this...Do that...

AND THEN when I've only lost 15 lbs. in 21 days AND WHEN I realize I'm not going to win the "Biggest Loser" contest, then Satan has a F.I.E.L.D. D.A.Y. in my head!

That was until yesterday when God offered to tag-team me and I didn't resist His hand.

As I was looking for new juicing recipes (because I'm REALLY getting bored with the old ones), I read a post from a juicer much more skilled than me and she said: "You should lose about 10 lbs. the first week of your juice fast. After that you will lose about 1/2 to 1 lb. a day."

Being the ex-accountant that I am, the math wasn't that difficult. 10 lbs. in week one, 3 lbs. in week two, and 3 lbs. in week three. That would be 16 lbs. I've lost 15 lbs. so I'm not "doing this wrong" (yes, I know, there is therapy work in that somewhere).

and the funny thing is....I didn't do this for the weight loss anyway, but I've become SO focused on the number that I forgot the cause.

The facts are:

(1) Weight loss is a stronghold and a doorway where Satan can easily enter.

(2) Satan uses expectations to take me off the path that God has me on.

(3) I'm not doing what God told me to do.

(4) I'm more clear today (again) than I've been and

(5) I need to have Ephesian 6:11-12 tattooed on my forehead.

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.