Day WHO KNOWS?

Okay, it's really Day 30. Days 27, 28 and 29 have not gone so well and the last two have been a blur.

I wrote about the Dorito fiasco on Day 27.

Days 28 and 29 I have just been plain SICK! Headache, coughing, sneezing, chills, running nose kind of sick. Miserable kind of sick!

I need to make it 10 more days, but I don't know if I can do it. But, as I type this, it even seems silly to me. Of course, I can do it. I'm just tired. I'm just sick. and my defenses are down because of those two things.

So here's to Day 30 and finishing the last 1o strong.

Day 27 - Uh-Oh

I did it. I fell off the wagon and I fell off the wagon for....DoRiTos????

Obviously, it wasn't about the Dorito. If it had been about the food, I would have chosen Mexican or Lasagna or Pizza, but I, DEFINITELY, would not have chosen Doritos.

However, I'm stressed, I'm tired....and, therefore, I ate! I'm not going to say "that's what I do" because that would mean that I am defeated, that I don't have a chance to change. I know I do. But in the Doritos moment, I had forgotten.

And guess what? This morning, I woke up SICK!

I'm grateful that God uses my S.T.U.P.I.D. decisions to teach me, as well, as when I act all holy and righteous. I have NO DOUBT that my stopped upt-ness and stomach ache this morning can both be directly be attributed to Frito-Lay and my inability to say "NO" in the moment.

It looks like I will be adding a day to my juice fast and remembering this...

Day 26...Re-Motivated!

I have been MISERABLE the last two days. Tonight I was counting my "days left" and I realized I only have 14 days. That's two weeks! That in itself rejuvenates me!

I can do TWO weeks.

A.N.D. I'm going to re-commit to doing EXACTLY what I'm hearing God say consistently for he next 14 days (I'm not really good at consistency)...reading Psalms, reading Proverbs, finish memorizing James 1.

A.N.D. I've found six new recipes and I'm shopping tomorrow.

I CAN DO THIS!

Day 24...Expectations are from the DEVIL!

I don't know what I was expecting when I started this fast...

Okay, that's a lie. The truth is that I didn't know that I was expecting what I was expecting when I started this fast...until yesterday.

It's funny how Satan works. He takes something so pure and begins to twist it and turn it until I've forgotten what the point was in the first place. AND THEN he ties it up with a pretty red bow (or a really ugly black bow depending on what I allow him to do to me) so that I'm even more confused (or ashamed). Whatever it takes to get me off track.

Getting me "off track" has been easy to do the last few days.

AND THEN IT HIT ME!

Expectations.

My expectations.

It doesn't matter if they are C R A Z Y expectations. They're still my little Satan-induced expectations and wreak havoc within me.

Lose 40 lbs. in 40 days.

Win the "Biggest Loser" contest we are having at church.

Do this...Do that...Do this...Do that...

AND THEN when I've only lost 15 lbs. in 21 days AND WHEN I realize I'm not going to win the "Biggest Loser" contest, then Satan has a F.I.E.L.D. D.A.Y. in my head!

That was until yesterday when God offered to tag-team me and I didn't resist His hand.

As I was looking for new juicing recipes (because I'm REALLY getting bored with the old ones), I read a post from a juicer much more skilled than me and she said: "You should lose about 10 lbs. the first week of your juice fast. After that you will lose about 1/2 to 1 lb. a day."

Being the ex-accountant that I am, the math wasn't that difficult. 10 lbs. in week one, 3 lbs. in week two, and 3 lbs. in week three. That would be 16 lbs. I've lost 15 lbs. so I'm not "doing this wrong" (yes, I know, there is therapy work in that somewhere).

and the funny thing is....I didn't do this for the weight loss anyway, but I've become SO focused on the number that I forgot the cause.

The facts are:

(1) Weight loss is a stronghold and a doorway where Satan can easily enter.

(2) Satan uses expectations to take me off the path that God has me on.

(3) I'm not doing what God told me to do.

(4) I'm more clear today (again) than I've been and

(5) I need to have Ephesian 6:11-12 tattooed on my forehead.

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Day 23.1 -God Knows What We Need

I woke up this morning with a note from my friends in Uganda. They took the boys shopping for school supplies and shoes. The boys started to school this week. They found a house!

This in itself rejuvenates me to continue this fast. But I love the way God works in so many DIFFERENT ways. Let me explain...

I have a to do a financial statement for some business stuff Gary needs. I couldn't find the old one so I thought I would "search" the word "financial" on my laptop.

Well, guess what comes up????? A journal that I kept while in a Spiritual Formation class a year ago.

So for fun, I clicked, and well, guess what comes up????? A journal entry on fasting.

And, guess what it says....

Foster Discussion: Many of Foster’s statements resonated with me today. (1) Biblical fasting always centers on spiritual purposes (Foster, 49). (2) Do not use freedom as an opportunity for the flesh (Foster, 51). (3) Fasting must forever center on God. It must be God-initiated and God-ordained (Foster, 54). (4) Willpower will never succeed in dealing with the deeply ingrained habits of sin. The moment we feel we can succeed and attain victory over sin by the strength of our will alone is the moment we are worshiping the will (Foster, 5). In day two of this fast, I almost fell into the trap of worshipping the will. These statements are critical for me to hang on to during this process.

That was written on 4/19/2011. God knew I would need it on 1/31/2012.

Physically - tired
Emotionally - happy
Spiritually - loved

It's gonna be a much better day!

Day 22 - Oh My Precious Child

I'm seeing a pattern here. Sunday's are HARD! It's TOTALLY emotional/relational. If I look back over the posts on Sunday, it's plan and simple: I WANT TO EAT ON SUNDAY'S BECAUSE IT IS FUN! For us therapy people, I am SO in my inner-child on Sunday's.

This week it oozed into Monday. I felt just a tad angry, definitely frustrated that I can't have my way, and VERY tired!

Then in my men's group today, it hit me. They do a check - in at the beginning of group where they share in a word or two how they are feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I did my own silent check-in and here is where the ah-ha came in:

physically - tired (no new news);
emotionally - frustrated, sad;
spiritually - ummm....not sure; haven't thought about it; obviously disconnected;

and what I know about me is - When I am disconnected spiritually, my child, who likes to have fun, takes OVER!

I'm too tired to do anything about it tonight. It's 7:35 p.m. and I'm GOING TO BED! But I will pray before I close my eyes, and I will wake up tomorrow (hopefully) with a renewal to embrace this spiritual journey!

Day 20....Half Way There

I usually post this at night after I have completed another day of liquids, but since this is Day 20, it feels like a milestone so I thought I would write about it now.

Yesterday, and this morning, have been hard. I think I am now beginning to feel real hunger. Obviously, not the kind that "the boys" have felt living on the streets, but it's more than "head hunger" which is what I felt the first 18 days.

This would be a time that, in the past, I would quit. I would rationalize to myself that I've already done well, the sponsors would probably still give me the money, etc. etc. etc. My head went there this morning.

But I know that God wants me to learn self-control through this. I can hear Him clearly saying.....just do it because I said. NO OTHER REASON!

So here I go, Day 20....The countdown has begun!